Things Not to Say During Sex #2. You woke me up for that?

Things Not to Say During Sex #3. Did I mention the video camera?

Things Not to Say During Sex #4. Do you smell something burning?

Things Not to Say During Sex #5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

Things Not to Say During Sex #6. Try breathing through your nose.

Things Not to Say During Sex #7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!

Things Not to Say During Sex #8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

Things Not to Say During Sex #9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

Things Not to Say During Sex #10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

Things Not to Say During Sex #11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah..today

Things Not to Say During Sex #12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

Things Not to Say During Sex #13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

Things Not to Say During Sex #14. Do you accept Visa?

Things Not to Say During Sex #15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Things Not to Say During Sex #16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

Things Not to Say During Sex #17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

Things Not to Say During Sex #18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

Things Not to Say During Sex #19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

Things Not to Say During Sex #20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

Things Not to Say During Sex #21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

Things Not to Say During Sex #22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

Things Not to Say During Sex #23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

Things Not to Say During Sex #24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

Things Not to Say During Sex #25. Got any penicillin?

Things Not to Say During Sex #26. But I just brushed my teeth...

Things Not to Say During Sex #27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

Things Not to Say During Sex #28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

Things Not to Say During Sex #29. I want a baby!

Things Not to Say During Sex #30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

Things Not to Say During Sex #31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

Things Not to Say During Sex #32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

Things Not to Say During Sex #33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

Things Not to Say During Sex #34. I think you have it on backwards.

Things Not to Say During Sex #35. When is this supposed to feel good?

Things Not to Say During Sex #36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

Things Not to Say During Sex #37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

Things Not to Say During Sex #38. Is that blood on the headboard?

Things Not to Say During Sex #39. Did I remember to take my pill?

Things Not to Say During Sex #40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

Things Not to Say During Sex #41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...

Things Not to Say During Sex #42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

Things Not to Say During Sex #43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

Things Not to Say During Sex #44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

Things Not to Say During Sex #45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

Things Not to Say During Sex #46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..

Things Not to Say During Sex #47. No, really... I do this part better myself!

Things Not to Say During Sex #48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

Things Not to Say During Sex #49. This would be more fun with a few more people..

Things Not to Say During Sex #50. You're almost as good as my ex!

Things Not to Say During Sex #51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

Things Not to Say During Sex #52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

Things Not to Say During Sex #53. You look younger than you feel.

Things Not to Say During Sex #54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

Things Not to Say During Sex #55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

Things Not to Say During Sex #56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

Things Not to Say During Sex #57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...

Things Not to Say During Sex #58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

Things Not to Say During Sex #59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

Things Not to Say During Sex #60. What tampon?

Things Not to Say During Sex #61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

Things Not to Say During Sex #62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

Things Not to Say During Sex #63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

Things Not to Say During Sex #64. I have a confession...

Things Not to Say During Sex #65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

Things Not to Say During Sex #66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

Things Not to Say During Sex #67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

Things Not to Say During Sex #68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

Things Not to Say During Sex #69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

Things Not to Say During Sex #70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

Things Not to Say During Sex #71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

Things Not to Say During Sex #72. Did you come yet, dear?

Things Not to Say During Sex #73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

Things Not to Say During Sex #74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

Things Not to Say During Sex #75. Does this count as a date?

Things Not to Say During Sex #76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

Things Not to Say During Sex #77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

Things Not to Say During Sex #78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?

Things Not to Say During Sex #79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)

Things Not to Say During Sex #80. When would you like to meet my parents?

Things Not to Say During Sex #81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...  Woman: Yourself?

Things Not to Say During Sex #82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

Things Not to Say During Sex #83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

Things Not to Say During Sex #84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

Things Not to Say During Sex #85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

Things Not to Say During Sex #86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

Things Not to Say During Sex #87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

Things Not to Say During Sex #88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

Things Not to Say During Sex #89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

Things Not to Say During Sex #90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

Things Not to Say During Sex #91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

Things Not to Say During Sex #92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

Things Not to Say During Sex #93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!

Things Not to Say During Sex #94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

Things Not to Say During Sex #95. Is this a sin too?

Things Not to Say During Sex #96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

Things Not to Say During Sex #97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

Things Not to Say During Sex #98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...

Things Not to Say During Sex #99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

Things Not to Say During Sex #100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

Things Not to Say During Sex #101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Things Not to Say During Sex #102. You can keep a secret, right?

Things Not to Say During Sex #103. What the hell is that?

Things Not to Say During Sex #104. Daddy, are you sure this is right?

Things Not to Say During Sex #105. Boy, now I regret taking you to that mexican restaurant!

Things Not to Say During Sex #106. "sniff" "sniff" where is that smell comming from?

Things Not to Say During Sex #107. Well, i dont care how old you are, its time you learned!

Things Not to Say During Sex #108. Woman: What if they kids wake up? Man: their invited to join in!

Things Not to Say During Sex #109. Hey, I thought you were a guy?

Things Not to Say During Sex #110. Why are you wearing my underwear?

Things Not to Say During Sex #111. So thats where it goes!

Things Not to Say During Sex #112. Whats that noise?

Things Not to Say During Sex #113. Who the hell are you?

Things Not to Say During Sex #114. You want me to do what?!?

Things Not to Say During Sex #115. I dont care, im not touching that!

THE OFFICIAL SEX QUIZ

Study each question carefully.  Then choose the answer that seems
more correct, True or False.

1.  A clitoris is a type of flower.
2.  A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
3.  "Spread-eagle" is an extinct bird.
4.  Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.
5.  A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels.
6.  A g-string is part of a violin.
7.  Semen is another word for "sailors."
8.  Anus is the Latin word for "yearly."
9.  Testicles are found on an octopus.
10.  Asphalt describes rectal troubles.
11.  KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas.
12.  Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
13.  Coitus is a musical instrument.
14.  Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke."
15.  An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
16.  A condom is an apartment complex.
17.  An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in church.
18.  A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
19.  A dildo is a variety of sweet pickles.
20.  An erection is when Japanese vote for their new government officials.
21.  A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
22.  Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass.
23.  Pornography is the business of making record albums.
24.  Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.
25.  Douche is the Italian word for "twelve."
26.  An enema is someone who is not your friend.
27.  Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese.
28.  Scrotum is a small planet near Uranus.
29.  A vulva is an automobile from Sweden.
30.  A Fallopian Tube is a part of a television set.
31.  Fellatio refers to an Italian dagger.
32.  Cunnilingus refers to someone who can speak foreign languages.
33.  Phallus was a city on the Nile.
34.  VD is an American holiday celebrated on November 11.
35.  Herpes was a Greek god.
36.  A homosexual is a technician who purifies milk.
37.  The ben-wa ball is held every year in Tokyo on June 1.